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so gone now

A friend shared this with me today. It speaks to me, and I hope it speaks to you too. Look up the lyrics if you have the chance. Incredible. It really makes me reflect on this past year, or years. I feel like 2012 is going to be my year. I'm ready for it. Ready like I've never been before.

if i just touch His clothes...

I am amazed at how God knows each of us individually. Just as we are. Even before we were born, He was deciding the colour of our eyes or the trait that makes us the most unique. And now, He knows us as a Father knows His children...even deeper. Better than we know ourselves.

The other night, I just poured my heart out to Him with the things I struggle with in my life. Feeling like I sometimes have to be everything to everybody; wondering if this place is where I need to be at this point in my life; I sometimes wake up in the morning with fear in my heart; sometimes feeling like I disappoint people; wondering about my future husband; trusting Him with each and every decision I make.

In the midst of my lamenting, I felt prompted to look up this online devotional that I read every now and again. And this was the verse that was the reading for the day:

Mark 5: 25-34

"And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. ²⁶ She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. ²⁷ When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, ²⁸ because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” ²⁹ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

³⁰ At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”

³¹ “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”

³² But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. ³³ Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. ³⁴ He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Over the past few weeks, I felt myself trying to control everything, to convince myself I have got it all together. I caught myself, and began to unravel. And told God everything. All my cares. All my worries. All my struggles. All my truths. As soon as I opened His word...He met with me. And spoke to me the way only He knows how. I could see myself as this woman in the story. God looking for me in a crowd of people. Knowing that He will find me. And I will be found in Him. He takes away my fear and calms me, and reminds me of how much I matter to Him, even when I feel like I don't. He knows what's in my heart even before I say it. I feel so comforted knowing this. As I read this verse, I couldn't help but feel that God led me to read it...His works are beautiful.

All we need to do is call out to Him...and He answers us. No matter where we are in the world. He finds us. I thank God that He pursues us like He does. That we are on His mind. I hope this somehow speaks to you today. Wherever you are. Whatever you are doing.

exploring inner landscapes...

Another glorious Saturday of reading, writing and reflecting. These are the times I "find my skin" again, as a friend of mine said, but I thought this described how I felt today, so I thought I would use his phrase. I read a particularly stirring article about experience and learning. One quote said,

"All genuine education comes about through experience. However, this does not mean that all experiences are genuinely or equally educative. In fact, some experiences mis-educate, in that they actually distort growth...narrow the field of further experiences...and place people in a groove or rut. Judging whether experiences actually produce learning can be difficult because every experience is a moving force. It's value can be judged only on the ground of what it moves toward and into." (from Merriam, Caferella, and Baumgartner's "Learning in Adulthood. 2007).

Alot of my research and reading is focusing on experience, in relations to my particular context of living and working in China, and how my interactions with my students, my colleagues, my work environment, have influenced my sense of professional identity development. I feel as though the experience of living outside Canada for so long, has allowed me to explore landscapes within myself that I never knew I needed to explore. Coming to terms with the deepest parts of myself...my weakness, my strengths, and exploring options that I didn't know existed, until I physically removed myself from the comfort of home. When I say "options" I mean alternative ways of knowing and being in this world.

Before starting this master's program, I think alot of my inner feelings about teaching, and how I saw myself were kept at bay. I can see in my previous journal reflections how I convinced myself that I was ok with everything I experienced in my early days as a new teacher. Even before moving abroad, I think I managed to convince almost everyone that I was just fine, I didn't need anyone to help me, and I was out to conquer the world by moving abroad.

As I take a step back, and think about myself before this whole experience...I see now how well I used to "mis-educate" myself, by comparing myself to others in my life or by living my life as if I was playing the "the best friend" rather than being the "leading lady." Now I see that I was living in a sort of distorted version of myself. I never actually knew that I could be something more than what I saw myself as. Physically moving to the other side of the world, has given me the chance to play another role...one that I chose for myself.

Having no one else to rely upon other than myself and most importantly, God, I feel as though I have set my own standards for how I want to live my life. Or maybe I have more clarity about the standards that God wants me to have for my life. To compare myself to others is to dis-credit the very experience I'm having at this moment, in this country, at this stage in my life. I've had to overcome obstacles that I never knew I needed to overcome; I've traveled to places I never knew I would; I've had conversations with people that I never thought I would talk to; I've listened to stories I never thought I would hear; and I've heard myself speak in a new voice that I never thought I had. Alot of this has come about through teaching. But, as I am also a traveler, I see these two identities as being in conversation with one another.

I now see these experiences as my "re-education." And as my advisor Maureen says, I need to continually "add credit" to my experience. To value it. To name it.

Wherever you are at this point in your life, a question I want to pose to all of us is, how can we daily re-educate ourselves in who we are? This is something I need to continually re-visit.

I was on my bike riding home from the subway station after work tonight. I love the moment when I get off at Tiananmen East station, turn left into the red gate, and I enter my neighborhood of former emperors. The weeping willows, the street lamps, the old hutong rooftops, and little to no traffic. Sometimes, I forget I live in Beijing, until my neighborhood reminds me again. I was on my bike and I felt the need to treat myself after a long day at work. I stopped in at a small spa near the east gate of the Forbidden City, just 5 minutes from my house.

I often like to get a foot massage, as I find I sleep really well after one. I took of my shoes, and let them do their thing. I had the strangest reaction...as soon as the lady started massaging my feet...I started to weep. Tears, and more tears streamed down my face. I've never had this happen before. The girl wasn't massaging very hard at all...its just...well, I don't know. Like, this whole summer of lessons learned, emotional turmoil, questioning, adjustments, frustration, a temporary road block in my research, wondering about my time in China...all of it...just coming to a head. The pillow behind my head...soaked.

I felt myself trying to hold back the tears, but I knew that they needed to just fall. Its good to allow yourself this. To be broken. There is a kind of freedom in brokenness. I've been learning these past few days, that the stronger I try to be...the weaker I am.

getting out of my beijing funk...

Running today felt amazing. I turned right at the end of the little hutong I live in, as I usually do. There was a cool breeze in the air; the sky was a glorious blue; and I had a huge smile on my face that I just could not get rid of! This was the first time in over two months I've felt totally invigorated like this.

This summer, I felt like I couldn't shake this "beijing funk" I've found myself in...and by funk, I mean, the bad kind. The kind that steals your bicycle, loses your ATM card, laughs at you, makes you wait in line and then asks you what you were doing there in the first place. THAT kind of funk. I couldn't seem to shake this feeling of "I give up." And that is not me...I don't give up easily. Why does this country make me want to give up sometimes?

In hopes of combating my funk, I changed my usual route, starting at the north end of the Forbidden City. As I was dodging tourists and feeling like I was going against the grain (as I usually do in this country) I suddenly felt a whisper in my ear..."more than a conqueror...MORE than a conqueror..." I suddenly remembered who I am...a child of God! His daughter. Who he loves! This is what first defines me! Of course the world will reject me, because the kind of love my Savior lavishes on me is not from this world. There are so many ways I am blessed in my life. How could I forget these things...my job, my family, my friends, my body, my mind, my health,... Perhaps it was just the cool breeze or knowing that it was the beginning of September, but I felt like I finally I shook of my "Beijing funk." Or, come to think of it this song did have something to do with it...

Just as the first line of the song says, "I'm back." This blonde is ready to take on Beijing once again...

I've been pouring out my heart over Chad Lawson's "Song for Prayer" this past week. I've had so many things go wrong, and I could feel myself starting to loose my ground and becoming warn out...and then, I discovered this song. Its a 30 minute, completely improvised, instrumental piano piece. Lawson simply went into the studio and took a deep breath and touched the piano keys, and the result is "song for prayer." It is the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard! It comes completely from other place. It is played with such sensitivity, peace, clarity and purpose. Its almost as if God had prepared this song in advance and was just waiting for someone to play it. As you listen to this piece, you feel as though there is conversation between him and God. It is so beautiful to listen to.

With this in the background, I sat on the floor, with my bible, and began to pray with the Psalms. This piece of music helped me come back to an intimate place with God again. I could feel myself beginning to break, my fears and anxiety begin to melt away, and I felt like God was taking me on a journey, into His heart. Reminding me of who I am in Him. And speaking to me the way He does. Singing over me. The way only He knows how.

If you have the chance to listen to this song...it will transform your prayer life. Spend time with it, meditate on God's word as you listen to it. I hear the song differently each time I listen to it...I hope that you are blessed by it.