powerful beyond measure?

In the midst of article finding, paper writing, learning plan drafts, and mountains of reading...it just dawned on me that my master's course will be finishing in just 4 days, and I will be returning to China on Friday. I don't think it really hit me until tonight. I've been so focused on finishing up my course work, attending class and having meetings with my advisors, that I sort of put it on the back shelf. How did it get to the point I put China on the back shelf? Old hat, I guess. And yet, there is just so much going on right now.

A section of my learning plan for this course involves drafting a learning contract for myself, but I really have no idea how I'm going to balance this all when I get back to China. I'll be in a new position at work - planning student social events and I'll be in the beginning phases of my master's degree. The past two weeks have been spent setting a momentum for myself. I've gotten into a routine of going to class in the mornings, and researching and reading in the afternoons. So straightforward. So simple. And yet, the challenge of this program lies in the self-directed approach. Working and studying on our own. Sometimes I think to myself, why am I going to put myself through this - living in a foreign country, working, studying my master's degree...it all seems like a mountain of challenges tied into one! What am I thinking!?!?!!!

But, if I look at my life in retrospect, I realize that I've taken some risks that have challenged me and caused me to re-define the way I see things. Maybe this is another risk. Most risks, or leaps of faith in some cases, always involve some element of sacrifice. That is always the hard part. Rewarding in the end, but hard. For me, some risks I've taken are packing up and moving abroad; not getting to see my close friends and family as often as I'd like; learning to be vulnerable; trusting a stranger; completely changing the color of my hair; making music; trusting God; being completely honest with someone; being completely honest with myself; traveling to Tibet on my own; starting my master's degree...

I look at that list and I think that I'm ready to begin another new phase in my life. Stress, "I think." Its going to be an exercise in patience (with myself), adjustment and prioritizing, but I think it is just a risk in my life that I need to take in order to grow and learn. I think I need to allow this whole process to mold and shape me. Doing this master's is completely according to my agenda, my schedule, and my interests. There is so much freedom in that, while also a great deal of responsibility - which intimidates me a little. I still have so much to learn about the field of Adult Education...where can I even begin?

In one of our classes this week, on of my cohorts shared this meaningful quote that resonates with me in this season of my life,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

While I'm sad that I will soon be saying goodbye to an amazing group of people I've just gotten to know in the past 2 weeks, I know that each of us are going to accomplish something great in our own fields, and take risks when we need to, and shine in corners where light is needed. Maybe a certain element of healthy risk is good in everyones lives...its just making that first step...

Ok, Here goes...

"you are the morning, and you're about to break..."

(my fellow cohorts and instructors in the Master's of Adult Education program at St.FX. We are all very serious people, of course.)

So, how can I possibly put this past week into words...I'm going to attempt now.

I've begun this whole journey of starting my graduate degree in Adult Education. So many people ask me, "So, what is that exactly?" I'd like to think that I knew exactly what I was talking about before this course began, saying, "Oh, well, its all about how to teach adults..." Now, I realize, 5 days in, that is more a process of "unraveling" as one of my cohorts put it today, after we were asked by our advisor to compare this week to a kitchen utensil. A kitchen utensil, yes. I compared my week to chopsticks...they are a kind of tool, that you can for so many other things other than just eating. We all have the capacity to learn how to use them, but it takes practice and purpose.

This program is about unraveling, as I mentioned. Unraveling all previously held assumptions about how we should learn. Unraveling ideas about what it means to be "an educator." Unraveling our pride, and re-learning what makes adult learners unique and under what contexts they seek information. I had no idea how vast, and how transformative this approach to education is. There is so much I don't know.

For the past 5 days, I've sat around a table with 12 other educators from various fields...nutrition, paramedical, accounting, English as a second language and I.T. Now, we are the students. I think we all came into this program with preconceived notions of what we were going to study, and had a seemingly clear idea of our research interests. But, after the first day of seminars, one of my cohorts said, "I just realized I know absolutely nothing." This is where our learning as a class began to take place, and we started to trust each other more, because we all admitted how little we knew.

Our advisors, Kathleen and Carole, are two amazing women with so many insights into this field and they have such rich experience in various contexts. I forgot how wonderful it is to be in the presence of such academics. Our lessons seem to be somehow hand-crafted just for us, instead of them speaking at us, they give us tasks, we generate the material and they act as a resource. The first day, for example, we needed to draw a poster of what brought us to this program at St.FX and then present it to the class. It really got me thinking about my journey up until this point. I actually thought about what I wrote for my letter of intent:

I have always loved learning: learning about the world, its people, and what motivates us to seek information. As a child, my parents encouraged my sister and I to be curious about the world around us, a curiosity that was fostered by extensive travel and a home with frequent visitors. It was this curiosity for learning that led me to study Psychology at The Kings University College in Edmonton. Attending a smaller institution, I was closely mentored by my professors, who nurtured not only a deeper knowledge and understanding of psychological concepts and principles, but more importantly the development of critical thinking skills. At the time I saw myself completing undergraduate studies, attending graduate school within a year or two and developing a career in counseling. When the critical time came to make a decision about graduate studies, I had developed a growing desire to travel and experience more of the world before committing to further formal study. In August 2006, I made the decision to move to Japan and spend a year of teaching English. Little did I know that this decision would completely change my career goals and the direction of my life.

When I moved to Osaka, Japan, not only was I attempting to experience and thrive in a different culture, but I was also learning how to effectively teach adults who possessed an incredible variety of experiences, backgrounds, and cultural mindsets much different from my own...

I explained to my class, that when I teach my students in China, I feel as though my role is that of a coach, cheering them on along the side lines. This is where my passion for Adult Education comes in.

All of the cohorts in my class shared stories about their experiences with education - some painful, others exciting, and all of them moving.

One day in particular, we were told to go away for two hours in our groups of three, and research the major adult education movements in Canada that shaped our history, then present our findings to the class. Various groups spoke about soldier training during the war, literacy education, citizenship education, extension programs in universities, health education etc. During our de-briefing time, I said to the group, "This was the very first time in my life when I actually enjoyed and had fun learning about my own country's history." Would that be an "Ah-ha" moment, Oprah?

We've also spend time this week, looking at literature in our particular area of interest. As this program is completely self directed, working from our own interests is the key element to our success. When do students really have a genuine opportunity to start here with their education? I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. This weekend, I'm preparing a presentation on an article I've read, entitled "Perspectives on Authenticity in Teaching," an article written by a professor here at St.FX. I can already pick out themes that resonate with me.

One particular memorable moment was studying The Antigonish Movement and Dr.M. Coady. This literally took place right outside of St.FX. If you have a chance, look it up. I had no idea this event ever happend - up until a few days ago. This place is at the very heart of Adult Education in Canada. What a privilege to participate in such a rich education tradition! My research partner and I went out to interview a woman in the community who lives in a housing co-op, and spoke about her experience in this project and if the spirit of the Antigonish movement is still alive today. It most certainly is. You really need to read about this movement on your own, and I say this in the spirit of Adult Education. If you do, tell me what you think!

This program is already like none I've ever known. All of us have already admitted to each other that we feel there is so much to learn, and that we feel inadequate like everyone else is so much more knowledgeable that us. Our advisor reminded us that this is all apart of the adult education process, there is freedom and space to be honest and support each other. These are the conversations I have been waiting to have for a long time. Even though our group has only been together 5 days, I feel like we have learned so much from each other - giving each other possible ideas for research topics and helping one another articulate questions we have about this field.

We just have 2 weeks left together and I feel as though they are just going to fly by. This program been waiting for me. Like it is somehow saying, "Where have you been all this time?" I know that this is going to be the next big challenge in my life, and I sometimes wonder how I'm going balance all of this while living and working in China...but, what better place to be than immersed in the subject your are studying. The more I learn, the more empowered I feel to continue living in China after our foundations course is finished. The challenge will be setting my own pace, my own goals, and deciding how long I want this to take me.

The sky is the limit, and I have a very big mountain to climb...but the sun is shining and I can feel it's warmth. I love this program.

(I'm dedicating this post to little Sariah Jane...so glad we share a name.)

east coast reflections

My travels in Canada have now brought me to the very east coast - Nova Scotia! It's my first time to visit these parts and I can already say that I have fallen in love with this place. While the air is cold, and its been cloudy my first day here...the hospitality of locals is warm and the landscapes are decorated with colorful homes and rocky shores.

My friend Jolene and I went to Peggy's cove, just outside Halifax, and found myself in a seemingly different world. Peggy's cove has the lighthouse that you often see in token postcard images of Nova Scotia. This is the furthest east I have ever been in Canada. Its really exciting and refreshing to seen entirely different side of where you are from. Life is slower here, people are approachable and lovely. I've always had a sort of affinity to the ocean, and the east coast has certainly drawn me in.

We drove around downtown Halifax and Jolene told me story upon story of this historic coastal city. It feels almost European in a way - small streets, colorful old homes and dimly lit pubs on every corner. Everything is within walking distance. Spending time around the city today, made me feel like I had the whole place to myself. Small boutiques, flower shops, book stores, Halifax is just waiting to be explored. It's charm is displayed on every corner.

Even more charming are the ducks outside my window. I am loving the east coast.

in between time zones

I'm home, and oh...so...jet lagged.

Its such a confusing and ambiguous thing, this jet lag. To feel in between two worlds at once. I'm trying to adjust to one world, while still feeling very much invested in the other. My body is here, but my mind is...elsewhere.

I love aspects of both these places. In China, having friends from various corners of the world allows me to see things from so many different perspectives. I have first hand access to another culture, engaging in conversations I would never have back home, enjoying the unpredictability of each day, and having travel at my doorstep. In Canada, I have my family, the comfortability of home, heart to hearts with my dad, the presence of close friends, roots, the sense of being grounded and known. I value both places.

Of course, there are aspects of these places as well that I really struggle with. In China, there is the daily challenge of making myself understood while coming to terms with a culture that I will never fully understand, not to mention not seeing my family for a year at a time . When I'm home in Canada, I sometimes find I'm a stranger looking from the outside in, on the familiarity that I once completely identified with.

I guess being jet lagged does have it's perks. It makes me realize that in this experience of living in one country while having my roots in another...I can't take anything for granted any more. I have to remember that with every experience in life, I need to live it with eyes wide open, to treat every circumstance as one that I can learn from.

Ok, so jet leg isn't so bad after all.

looming memories in empty walls

Is it possible that a place can heal a person? Well, that's how I feel about my apartment in Beijing. Its the first place that I have lived on my own, and while the initial idea scared the life out of me...it actually ended up bringing life to me. Living on my own has allowed me to truly be my self in a place of my own. As I'm about to move out of this place in a few days, and I see these now empty walls, I feel like the place is dripping with memories and conversations had.

For the first time in my life, I had the chance to know what it feels like to have a space completely to my own. I hope I can find more places like this in the future. Not just my future apartment, but in other spaces or areas of my life. There is power in places where we can truly be ourselves.

Just something I was thinking about tonight.

the sky is the limit...

(the rooftop of the world: tibet 2010)

I feel like life just keeps twisting and turning, and the more I try to control things, the more I realize the less control I actually have. I know that God is directing the course of my life, and I feel His hand leading me and letting me know, “I am here. Don’t fear my daughter.”

2010 was a year of change, seeds being sown, and new experiences had. I feel like I was able to accomplish alot of personal goals this past year: getting accepted to graduate school, having some of my photos hosted at a small gallery, travelling around more of this country - specifically to Tibet, writing more music, and taking leaps of faith that brought me closer in my relationship with God. I am so thankful for the things He has done in my life.

I think turning twenty-eight brought with it some new perspectives as well – I make mistakes, and its ok. I’m not perfect – and its ok. I’m a traveler, an adventurer, a worshiper, a musician…and I love my life. For the first time, I feel like I’m able to truly feel confident in myself and embrace all that life has to teach me. I’ve stopped comparing myself to others to finally be leading my own life, on my very own terms.

Over the past few weeks, in various situations, I’ve kept hearing the phrase, “sometimes you have to cut down the tree in order to see fruit.” And, I feel like moving abroad has definitely produced fruit in my life. I could have never anticipated the places I’ve been too, the people I have met, the situations I’ve found myself in. All of it…has changed me.

2010 also brought with it some surprises. This past year I was originally planning to move back to Canada to work on my graduate degree in Adult Education full time. After one conversation with my advisor, she told me that I actually don’t need to be living close to campus. That was a shocker! Because the program is self-directed, there are no classes – I write my thesis and do my course work on my own, and I determine how long its going to take me. The more I learn about this program, the more I realize how perfect it is for me. For this reason, I’ve decided to keep living in China. I get butterflies whenever I think about this. It was a huge decision to make. I’m learning, though, its amazing how when we trust God, He makes our path straight. Or maybe we realize that our path was straight all along and we never had to worry.

The company I work for is being totally supportive of my further study as well. When I come back to Beijing in April, I can continue working 3 days a week organizing city wide life club events for students, and then work on my thesis on my days off. This opens up a lot of opportunities for research projects and thesis options for me! I think its going to be a huge learning curve in the beginning to figure out how I’m going to pace myself and shape this new phase of my life, but I’m treating all of this kind of like an experiment – one that I am uber excited about!

I know now that God has truly been taking care of me all along. How could I ever doubt or worry before? While I had my own plans, my own agenda, He just swept me up and said, “Look at your life. Look at what I want to show you. My ways are higher.” While I know there are going to be a lot of changes and adjustments this year, I feel so much peace about it.

A few weeks ago, a guy Kamal at church prayed over me, and he told me this is going to be a year of harvest in my life. If my plans for graduate school aren’t already crazy enough, I’m also thinking of recording more music as well. I know that I can’t do any of this on my own, but I can do anything through Him who strengthens me.

I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who reads it, and that you are reminded that God has a plan for each of us.

i think you've seen aslan...

Just saw "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" tonight. This particular scene was stirring.

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Eustace being undragoned

“Well, anyway, I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected: a huge lion coming slowly towards me. And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon, I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn't that kind of fear. I wasn't afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it - if you can understand. Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes. And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it.”
“You mean it spoke?”
“I don't know. Now that you mention it, I don't think it did. But it told me all the same. And I knew I'd have to do what it told me, so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains. And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden - trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well.
“I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells - like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not.
“I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
“But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.
“Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.
“Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke – ‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.
“After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me –“
“Dressed you. With his paws?”
“Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream.”
“No. It wasn't a dream,” said Edmund.
“Why not?”
“Well, there are the clothes, for one thing. And you have been - well, un-dragoned, for another.”
“What do you think it was, then?” asked Eustace.
“I think you've seen Aslan,” said Edmund.
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – Chapter 7