looming memories in empty walls

Is it possible that a place can heal a person? Well, that's how I feel about my apartment in Beijing. Its the first place that I have lived on my own, and while the initial idea scared the life out of me...it actually ended up bringing life to me. Living on my own has allowed me to truly be my self in a place of my own. As I'm about to move out of this place in a few days, and I see these now empty walls, I feel like the place is dripping with memories and conversations had.

For the first time in my life, I had the chance to know what it feels like to have a space completely to my own. I hope I can find more places like this in the future. Not just my future apartment, but in other spaces or areas of my life. There is power in places where we can truly be ourselves.

Just something I was thinking about tonight.

the sky is the limit...

(the rooftop of the world: tibet 2010)

I feel like life just keeps twisting and turning, and the more I try to control things, the more I realize the less control I actually have. I know that God is directing the course of my life, and I feel His hand leading me and letting me know, “I am here. Don’t fear my daughter.”

2010 was a year of change, seeds being sown, and new experiences had. I feel like I was able to accomplish alot of personal goals this past year: getting accepted to graduate school, having some of my photos hosted at a small gallery, travelling around more of this country - specifically to Tibet, writing more music, and taking leaps of faith that brought me closer in my relationship with God. I am so thankful for the things He has done in my life.

I think turning twenty-eight brought with it some new perspectives as well – I make mistakes, and its ok. I’m not perfect – and its ok. I’m a traveler, an adventurer, a worshiper, a musician…and I love my life. For the first time, I feel like I’m able to truly feel confident in myself and embrace all that life has to teach me. I’ve stopped comparing myself to others to finally be leading my own life, on my very own terms.

Over the past few weeks, in various situations, I’ve kept hearing the phrase, “sometimes you have to cut down the tree in order to see fruit.” And, I feel like moving abroad has definitely produced fruit in my life. I could have never anticipated the places I’ve been too, the people I have met, the situations I’ve found myself in. All of it…has changed me.

2010 also brought with it some surprises. This past year I was originally planning to move back to Canada to work on my graduate degree in Adult Education full time. After one conversation with my advisor, she told me that I actually don’t need to be living close to campus. That was a shocker! Because the program is self-directed, there are no classes – I write my thesis and do my course work on my own, and I determine how long its going to take me. The more I learn about this program, the more I realize how perfect it is for me. For this reason, I’ve decided to keep living in China. I get butterflies whenever I think about this. It was a huge decision to make. I’m learning, though, its amazing how when we trust God, He makes our path straight. Or maybe we realize that our path was straight all along and we never had to worry.

The company I work for is being totally supportive of my further study as well. When I come back to Beijing in April, I can continue working 3 days a week organizing city wide life club events for students, and then work on my thesis on my days off. This opens up a lot of opportunities for research projects and thesis options for me! I think its going to be a huge learning curve in the beginning to figure out how I’m going to pace myself and shape this new phase of my life, but I’m treating all of this kind of like an experiment – one that I am uber excited about!

I know now that God has truly been taking care of me all along. How could I ever doubt or worry before? While I had my own plans, my own agenda, He just swept me up and said, “Look at your life. Look at what I want to show you. My ways are higher.” While I know there are going to be a lot of changes and adjustments this year, I feel so much peace about it.

A few weeks ago, a guy Kamal at church prayed over me, and he told me this is going to be a year of harvest in my life. If my plans for graduate school aren’t already crazy enough, I’m also thinking of recording more music as well. I know that I can’t do any of this on my own, but I can do anything through Him who strengthens me.

I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who reads it, and that you are reminded that God has a plan for each of us.

i think you've seen aslan...

Just saw "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" tonight. This particular scene was stirring.

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Eustace being undragoned

“Well, anyway, I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected: a huge lion coming slowly towards me. And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon, I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn't that kind of fear. I wasn't afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it - if you can understand. Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes. And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it.”
“You mean it spoke?”
“I don't know. Now that you mention it, I don't think it did. But it told me all the same. And I knew I'd have to do what it told me, so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains. And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden - trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well.
“I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells - like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not.
“I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
“But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.
“Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.
“Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke – ‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.
“After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me –“
“Dressed you. With his paws?”
“Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream.”
“No. It wasn't a dream,” said Edmund.
“Why not?”
“Well, there are the clothes, for one thing. And you have been - well, un-dragoned, for another.”
“What do you think it was, then?” asked Eustace.
“I think you've seen Aslan,” said Edmund.
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – Chapter 7