random chills...

At the mercy of the Starbucks internet, and the buzz my coffee is providing, I sit here again, warmed by the atmosphere, but chilled at the reality that I am seeing infront of me.

Over the last couple days, I have moved into my apartment at Tienhu Garden. I have a lovely view of the green park, twenty floors below. Many restraunts and small shops just waiting for me to visit. Finally! I have managed to set up my room, and get a few odds and ends tied up, but as I think about my apartment there is still so much that needs to be accomplished. I have no plates, no cutlery, no clean water, no carpet, no plants. But, none of this seems to matter at the moment. Is it possible that my aparment is colder than it is actually outside? Yes! In China, there is no central heating. We are left to be affectionately close to our space heaters and hot water bottles. I think I saw my breath last night as I went to sleep.

There are little mundane tasks that have been taking up more time than I ever anticipated. This is China, I'm learning.

My stomach is feeling funny. China funny. I need vegtables. And have a particular strange craving for broccoli.

Why is everyone staring at me?

Can I just have some food that actually tastes like what it looks like?

This time of year also seems to bring a wet kind of cold in the air. And there seems to be an ever present grey in the sky. As I look out the window, there are so many people rushing by to go home for Chinese new Year. But, as has been splashed all over the news here, many people have been left stranded over the last few days, due to trains being delayed or canceled. As I have made my way to work in the morning, I noticed seemingly hundreds of families with small children and couples, sleep on the train station floor, or huddled together as they wait for their train. It is quite a sight to see people stranded before the holidays. Maybe this is what has left a chill inside me.

I just feel a bit weary today. Its just with things feeling unsettled still, and not having some of my basic needs worked out quite yet, this chill can't seem to be comforted. Not everyday will be like this. Not everyday will be like this. Not everyday will be like this...

some perspective...

Sometimes I stress about money. Worrying about the future, sometimes to much and tonight, I feel like I was given a sobering perspective...and reminded again that I am in China...

As you know, the company I work for has allowed me to stay in a hotel here for 2 weeks before I settle into my apartment here. A couple days ago, I came back to my hotel room and noticed that my cosmetic container was missing. The hotel receptionist later informed me that as the women who were cleaning my room, they knocked over my makeup case and my foundation shattered on the floor. At first, I found myself a little annoyed because makeup for foreigners here is apparently a little difficult to find. Most foundation is a very yellow sort of tone, where foreign skin is more pinky. The hotel staff asked me how much it might cost. I said, that it was probably around 200RMB (about $28.00CAN)

She told me that was a little expensive, but she said she would try her best to reimburse me for this as soon as she could.

After that, I left the hotel for a bit to run some errands, a little annoyed but not thinking much of the incident.

I came back tonight and just grabbed a quick snack from the hotel lobby. Another staff girl said, "Oh, I wanted to talk to you about the accident that happened in your room. You see, we don't know what to do because the housekeeping staffs salary is very low, and the can't afford to pay you the amount of your makeup..." She seemed so worried and scared to tell me.

My heart sank. Here I am, a Canadian, staying in a beautiful hotel and with a job awaiting me that is considered to above what a local teacher would make here, and I was concerned over a small, insignificant, material thing? This little, insignificant thing could mean that some one would not be getting paid that day, or having a meal with their family. Gosh. I live in China. I forget that this kind of disparity exists here. I immediately told the hotel staff not to worry a bit. I really didn't care at all. And she seemed relieved to hear that.

Suddenly, my worries and cares of the day don't seem so big. A mere inconvience to me, could mean a much bigger consequence (is that the right word?) to someone else.

the hue of Mrs. Hu...

Today was a stressful day. Today, I made a decision on my apartment here. Why did it feel like such a bigger decision than just an apartment? As I sat down with the real estate agent, the translater and my new land lady, Mrs.Hu, I could feel myself getting anxious. I have to be honest, I could feel myself breaking a sweat a couple times.

The translator walked me through the contract, which was both in English and Chinese, and we negotiated the furniture in the apartment, the rent, and the nuts and bolts of an apartment here. Its more emotionally exhausting than anything else. I found that I really had to muster everything in me. The reasoning part of my brain has no reasoning left at the moment. I may or may not have this apartment secured by Wednesday morning, if we time everything right.

Everytime Mrs.Hu was addressing my translator, I got the strong impression that she seemed to be angry about something. I kept asking myself, why is she so angry? She keeps getting louder and louder, and her eye contact is stronger and stronger, and she keeps pointing at me in a seeming aggressive manner...Even though I couldn't understand a word Mrs.Hu was saying, I felt something was the matter...

I must have asked Sophia, the translator, about 3 times "Is she angry? Why is she so upset?" Sophia then reassured me, you have to understand that with older Chinese women, they may come across as angry or aggressive in their speech, but really they are not angry at all. Nor are they upset by any means. Thats just how they are! And that just how they communicate. Sophia also told me that she was just talking about where I can pay my water and gas bill each month. Not such a big deal.

When I was in my first few months in Japan, even though I new very little of the language initially, I felt like I began to understand the Japanese personality in a way. It was almost easy to get a sense of their interactions with people, and their nature, and their relationship to their environment - mostly, I based my conclusions on how they spoke and how they behaved. The language itself seems to be very indirect, and often softer. So, when they get upset or excited, it is written all over their face!Whether or not my conclusions were right or wrong, I don't know about that. But, I did get a sense of Japanese culture based on how they spoke and their tone of voice.

In China, largely because I don't know the language yet, I'm finding it so difficult to make sense of the Chinese. Are they angry? I don't know. Are they happy? I don't know.

As I walked out of the real estate office today, my knees felt weak, I felt exhausted. In the midst of adjusting to life here, I feel like I'm also trying to figure out what the personality of this country is. Can I make sense of it all? Can I figure out the people around me?

Will I get this confused look off my face anytime soon? I will keep you posted.

just a thought...

...like any decision we know might change our lives, why is it that when we make that decision we seem to immediately or instantly regret it? We want to pull out or hide away. In the midst of making a seemingly big decision here, one that I think I will love, why am I so scared? Apartment hunting is not just about finding a place to live, I'm realizing. Its about...something more than that. Haven't quite figured out what that is yet...

apartment hunting

Today was the first day of my apartment hunting. My company hires someone to take me around an look for a place. So, here I was today, wandering the streets with these 2 small Chinese women, and a translator, looking around at apartments in the city. What is wonderful about China is that alot of the apartments here come furnished already - a bed, cabinets, t.v, dining room table! Everything you need is pretty much there. And while some places can be absolute dives, some can be quite beautiful and so cheap!! I must have looked at about 6 apartments today. Some dives, some very elegant and quite becoming. The translator who came with us, Justin (his english name), was so helpful, and he gave me good hints about the area in terms of restraunts, banks, grocery stores. Alot of the apartments here have beautiful surrounding gardens and a lovely courtyard with children playing in the area.

As I was looking around one apartment towards the end of the day - marble floors, 1 bedrrom, spacious living area and small dining area, I was thinking an apartment like this would probably cost about $1000/month, but in China it about 1/4 of the price! And its furnished. What is even more interesting, is that I have to go for an interview with the manager of the building, so he can get a sense of my "personality" (as Justin put it) and I can try to barter and get the price even lower. I have never been in the position of going around with a real estate agent looking for an apartment that best suits me and my needs and wants. Its kind of scary thing, but its also so exciting. I can shape my experience here how I want it. And I can find a place that I feel good and comfortable in.

Even more scary is working through the question of am I ready to live on my own, or am I still wanting to live with someone else? I haven't answered this question yet. Or maybe I have...

China...thus far...

To all my friends and family, I loved seeing you over the holidays - even if it was just for a short time, it truely sustained me. I feel so supported by all of you and I carry that with me wherever I go, I want you to know that.

I have arrived in China! Safe and sound. And, in a strange way, I feel a bit more like myself again...in a foreign land. Realizing this is where I'm at, at this stage in my life. Just thought I would give you a sort of detailed blog from the last few days.

I can't believe I am standing on China's ground. Coming to terms with its sights. Smelling the smells. Taking in the people. Learning the behavior. Trying to cope with the unexpected and starting a new chapter in my life. I was reading something about culture shock this morning, and it said that after spending and extended time in another culture or environment, when you return to your familiair environment, you often feel uncomfortable or unsure about how to act, what to say or do. I felt this tension a little when I was home. Having been in Japan for a while, and now attempting to take on this new challenge in China...as scary as it is...I feel like I have somehow returned to myself again. My explorer self...the part of me that I have missed these last few weeks.

After long hours of flying, many transfers, heavy baggage and raw hands, I arrived to a smoggy Hong Kong. Feeling tired but excited, I stepped off the plane and was greeted by the 25degree humidity. After finally finding my friend Megan, crying and hugging for a bit, we made our way to the hotel to spend the night in Hong Kong. Hong Kong is a city that reminded me a little of Osaka. And yet I am already starting to see some major differences between these 2 countries. There is such a greater presence of foreigners of all kind here, everywhere you go. And pollution - its everywhere. You can see it in the air and feel it creep into your nostrils. Hong Kong is a lively city - the skyline and the harbour and the bright lights. Ican't wait to explore it further in the future.

The next day, Megan and I made our way to Guangzhou (pron - GWANG-JO) on the train, and I further began to see how much different this experience will be from Japan. Here, it seems like you need your passport for everything. And there is an obvious presence of security and police here. And I'm wondering the wholhe time - do I feel safe or should I be afraid? I look out the window on the train, and not only see some of the most beautiful rolling hills I have seen, but I also see old people along the side of the road and in run down homes. I see piles of garbage and children urinating against a brick wall. Going to the washroom on the train was an even bigger shock, and I found myself not only trying to "aim" in the direction of the squat toilet, but noticing that I can see the train tracks at the bottom!

Learning that this country has little surprises here and there, having to get another visa (apparently Hong Kong is like its own country, so you need to get multiple entry type...), and being scared out of my pants that I couldn't cross the border at Guangzhou, just added to the gong show quality of my experience so far. Then, loosing Megan at the point for about an hour after crossing the border, in a crowded, unfamiliar train station, where I didn't know the language...well, I will just leave it to your imagination how I felt. And yet, as soon I remember myself saying, "God, I don't know what to do...I need your hand" - He came, and grabbed it, and there was Megan around the corner!

We then made our way to her apartment in a taxi. I was struck by the apparent no rule driving in GZ. I may have grabbed the "Oh shit handle" more than a few times! Once arriving at Megan apartment just outside the city, I was completely taken by the tropical and lush green view from her balcony and the beautiful marble floors. No city noise, only the sound of children playing in the courtyard, and neighbors singing to the tune of something or other. Time to FINALLY have a shower and send an email or two and relax. One of Megans roomates went to the Red Lantern to get some kung-pow chicken for us to eat that evening...so good...i love china already.

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I met my assigned TLC person for English First the next day, and she took me to my hotel in downtown Guangzhou. You know the displays in IKEA catalogue? Yep. Thats my hotel room!!

ITs a new hotel in the city, and it feels so comfortable and lovely! Lots of desk space to work on my computer, and a lovely white bed to look out the window. Susan was so welcoming. And she is a follower, both of us recognized this somehow in each other when we first met. She then took me out for lunch, and let me know that she can answer any questions I might have about living in China over the next year. I wish you all could meet her.

Susan introduced me to another teacher, Dina, and she informed us that the next day we would be taking a tour of GZ the next day, courtesy of English First! We could sleep in, and at 2:30 we were met by the tour guide, Luna. This, is when I began to see, with my eyes wide open , the real Guangzhou.

Camera in hand, I didn't want to miss a thing. Luna taught us how to use the Metro which is so easy! I'm so glad to have conquered the Osaka subway. In a way its primed me for this. We made our way to the 3 Trees Temple, which houses the biggest buddha in GZ. Already, I see the older quality of China, and the ornamental character that makes up the temples here. Many of Asian philosophies and supersitions are present here, which I find so interesting, but so see the little nuances that separate Japan and China is even more fascinating. We wandered the grounds of the temple, and then hailed a taxi, almost lost our life (seriously!), and walked down a busy shopping street.

We were greeted by buskers, food stalls and many many people! The sights, sounds and smells are all encompassing. Octopus on a stick, people shouting, duck hanging from a hook, dim-sum, large red lanterns all around, and the smell of...well...something strange in the air, made for an eye opening experience! Just when I thought that was it...Luna led us down a side street...at the very heart of the city. I noticed a change straight away from the commercial street.

Children and families line the street, trying to sell various good. Baskets of spices. Fish. Pets in cages(well...animals...but, I mean, come on, this is China -they are probably someones dinner.) Children with no shoes. Unrecognizable smells. Bicycles whiz by. I look up and see some of the most run down homes I have ever seen. Old men, using an old crate, try to beat each other at a card game that has probably been going on for years. And a man with clubed feet, looks me in the eyes, wanting any money I have money. And a little boy stops to let his father help him urinate along the corner of the street.

And I walk by, look down, at my clean, untouched, western, north american shoes...

Also, since GZ is the adoption capital of China, we saw many North American parents with Asian children in their arms, as we walk to Shamen Island, which has a kind of European feel.

After our welcome cantonese dinner, complete with duck and pigeon (which surprisingly tastes alot like chicken), we walked around a few of the quaint Chinese shops - filled with dresses, silk screens and jewellery, we took the metro back to the hotel.

I felt so thankful these last few days, to feel so warmly welcomed to China. I'm sure the next few weeks, with finding my apartment and getting settled into my job will be full of new experiences as well. Hopefully, experiences that don't involved the "Oh, sh** handle" too many times.

xo.

the works of Your hands...

With just a little over 12 hrs until I leave for the airport, there is a strange sort of calm at this very moment. The last 24hrs have been filled with packing, making last minute arrangements, a minor breakdown, a major breakdown...and then...all of a sudden...peace. A calm that surprisingly came over me. Then, I started to listen to this song,

"We will remember
We will remember
The works of Your hands
We will stop
And give You praise
For Great is your faithfulness

You are our creator
Our life sustainer
Deliverer
Our comfort and joy
Throughout the ages
You have been our shelter
Our peace in the midst of the storm..."

(Tommy Walker, "We Will Remember")

This peace I'm feeling right now...I don't know exactly what to do with it. Or maybe, I don't have to do anything with it...but simply enjoy it. Maybe now is the time to mentally and spiritually prepare for this next phase of my life.

So, here I go...