if i just touch His clothes...

I am amazed at how God knows each of us individually. Just as we are. Even before we were born, He was deciding the colour of our eyes or the trait that makes us the most unique. And now, He knows us as a Father knows His children...even deeper. Better than we know ourselves.

The other night, I just poured my heart out to Him with the things I struggle with in my life. Feeling like I sometimes have to be everything to everybody; wondering if this place is where I need to be at this point in my life; I sometimes wake up in the morning with fear in my heart; sometimes feeling like I disappoint people; wondering about my future husband; trusting Him with each and every decision I make.

In the midst of my lamenting, I felt prompted to look up this online devotional that I read every now and again. And this was the verse that was the reading for the day:

Mark 5: 25-34

"And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. ²⁶ She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. ²⁷ When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, ²⁸ because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” ²⁹ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

³⁰ At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”

³¹ “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”

³² But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. ³³ Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. ³⁴ He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Over the past few weeks, I felt myself trying to control everything, to convince myself I have got it all together. I caught myself, and began to unravel. And told God everything. All my cares. All my worries. All my struggles. All my truths. As soon as I opened His word...He met with me. And spoke to me the way only He knows how. I could see myself as this woman in the story. God looking for me in a crowd of people. Knowing that He will find me. And I will be found in Him. He takes away my fear and calms me, and reminds me of how much I matter to Him, even when I feel like I don't. He knows what's in my heart even before I say it. I feel so comforted knowing this. As I read this verse, I couldn't help but feel that God led me to read it...His works are beautiful.

All we need to do is call out to Him...and He answers us. No matter where we are in the world. He finds us. I thank God that He pursues us like He does. That we are on His mind. I hope this somehow speaks to you today. Wherever you are. Whatever you are doing.

exploring inner landscapes...

Another glorious Saturday of reading, writing and reflecting. These are the times I "find my skin" again, as a friend of mine said, but I thought this described how I felt today, so I thought I would use his phrase. I read a particularly stirring article about experience and learning. One quote said,

"All genuine education comes about through experience. However, this does not mean that all experiences are genuinely or equally educative. In fact, some experiences mis-educate, in that they actually distort growth...narrow the field of further experiences...and place people in a groove or rut. Judging whether experiences actually produce learning can be difficult because every experience is a moving force. It's value can be judged only on the ground of what it moves toward and into." (from Merriam, Caferella, and Baumgartner's "Learning in Adulthood. 2007).

Alot of my research and reading is focusing on experience, in relations to my particular context of living and working in China, and how my interactions with my students, my colleagues, my work environment, have influenced my sense of professional identity development. I feel as though the experience of living outside Canada for so long, has allowed me to explore landscapes within myself that I never knew I needed to explore. Coming to terms with the deepest parts of myself...my weakness, my strengths, and exploring options that I didn't know existed, until I physically removed myself from the comfort of home. When I say "options" I mean alternative ways of knowing and being in this world.

Before starting this master's program, I think alot of my inner feelings about teaching, and how I saw myself were kept at bay. I can see in my previous journal reflections how I convinced myself that I was ok with everything I experienced in my early days as a new teacher. Even before moving abroad, I think I managed to convince almost everyone that I was just fine, I didn't need anyone to help me, and I was out to conquer the world by moving abroad.

As I take a step back, and think about myself before this whole experience...I see now how well I used to "mis-educate" myself, by comparing myself to others in my life or by living my life as if I was playing the "the best friend" rather than being the "leading lady." Now I see that I was living in a sort of distorted version of myself. I never actually knew that I could be something more than what I saw myself as. Physically moving to the other side of the world, has given me the chance to play another role...one that I chose for myself.

Having no one else to rely upon other than myself and most importantly, God, I feel as though I have set my own standards for how I want to live my life. Or maybe I have more clarity about the standards that God wants me to have for my life. To compare myself to others is to dis-credit the very experience I'm having at this moment, in this country, at this stage in my life. I've had to overcome obstacles that I never knew I needed to overcome; I've traveled to places I never knew I would; I've had conversations with people that I never thought I would talk to; I've listened to stories I never thought I would hear; and I've heard myself speak in a new voice that I never thought I had. Alot of this has come about through teaching. But, as I am also a traveler, I see these two identities as being in conversation with one another.

I now see these experiences as my "re-education." And as my advisor Maureen says, I need to continually "add credit" to my experience. To value it. To name it.

Wherever you are at this point in your life, a question I want to pose to all of us is, how can we daily re-educate ourselves in who we are? This is something I need to continually re-visit.

I was on my bike riding home from the subway station after work tonight. I love the moment when I get off at Tiananmen East station, turn left into the red gate, and I enter my neighborhood of former emperors. The weeping willows, the street lamps, the old hutong rooftops, and little to no traffic. Sometimes, I forget I live in Beijing, until my neighborhood reminds me again. I was on my bike and I felt the need to treat myself after a long day at work. I stopped in at a small spa near the east gate of the Forbidden City, just 5 minutes from my house.

I often like to get a foot massage, as I find I sleep really well after one. I took of my shoes, and let them do their thing. I had the strangest reaction...as soon as the lady started massaging my feet...I started to weep. Tears, and more tears streamed down my face. I've never had this happen before. The girl wasn't massaging very hard at all...its just...well, I don't know. Like, this whole summer of lessons learned, emotional turmoil, questioning, adjustments, frustration, a temporary road block in my research, wondering about my time in China...all of it...just coming to a head. The pillow behind my head...soaked.

I felt myself trying to hold back the tears, but I knew that they needed to just fall. Its good to allow yourself this. To be broken. There is a kind of freedom in brokenness. I've been learning these past few days, that the stronger I try to be...the weaker I am.

getting out of my beijing funk...

Running today felt amazing. I turned right at the end of the little hutong I live in, as I usually do. There was a cool breeze in the air; the sky was a glorious blue; and I had a huge smile on my face that I just could not get rid of! This was the first time in over two months I've felt totally invigorated like this.

This summer, I felt like I couldn't shake this "beijing funk" I've found myself in...and by funk, I mean, the bad kind. The kind that steals your bicycle, loses your ATM card, laughs at you, makes you wait in line and then asks you what you were doing there in the first place. THAT kind of funk. I couldn't seem to shake this feeling of "I give up." And that is not me...I don't give up easily. Why does this country make me want to give up sometimes?

In hopes of combating my funk, I changed my usual route, starting at the north end of the Forbidden City. As I was dodging tourists and feeling like I was going against the grain (as I usually do in this country) I suddenly felt a whisper in my ear..."more than a conqueror...MORE than a conqueror..." I suddenly remembered who I am...a child of God! His daughter. Who he loves! This is what first defines me! Of course the world will reject me, because the kind of love my Savior lavishes on me is not from this world. There are so many ways I am blessed in my life. How could I forget these things...my job, my family, my friends, my body, my mind, my health,... Perhaps it was just the cool breeze or knowing that it was the beginning of September, but I felt like I finally I shook of my "Beijing funk." Or, come to think of it this song did have something to do with it...

Just as the first line of the song says, "I'm back." This blonde is ready to take on Beijing once again...

I've been pouring out my heart over Chad Lawson's "Song for Prayer" this past week. I've had so many things go wrong, and I could feel myself starting to loose my ground and becoming warn out...and then, I discovered this song. Its a 30 minute, completely improvised, instrumental piano piece. Lawson simply went into the studio and took a deep breath and touched the piano keys, and the result is "song for prayer." It is the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard! It comes completely from other place. It is played with such sensitivity, peace, clarity and purpose. Its almost as if God had prepared this song in advance and was just waiting for someone to play it. As you listen to this piece, you feel as though there is conversation between him and God. It is so beautiful to listen to.

With this in the background, I sat on the floor, with my bible, and began to pray with the Psalms. This piece of music helped me come back to an intimate place with God again. I could feel myself beginning to break, my fears and anxiety begin to melt away, and I felt like God was taking me on a journey, into His heart. Reminding me of who I am in Him. And speaking to me the way He does. Singing over me. The way only He knows how.

If you have the chance to listen to this song...it will transform your prayer life. Spend time with it, meditate on God's word as you listen to it. I hear the song differently each time I listen to it...I hope that you are blessed by it.

God's clap...

At this very moment, I'm sitting in my apartment listening to the incredible pitter patter of the rain on my window, and I'm taken back to a time in my life, when I was a teenager and my dad would take my sister and I camping in the mountains of Alberta. The sound of rain I'm listening to, makes me think of nights spent in our tent, and I would hear the rain on the canvas. The glorious rain. I used to love nights like these. I would purposely try to stay awake to take in all that I could of this intriguing sound. Even though it would be pouring outside, I knew that I would be warm and cozy next to my dad and sister in the tent. I have always felt a great deal of peace come over me when I hear rain, wondering if each drop will be the same as the next...

Its been raining heaps this summer in Beijing, and I have always seemingly managed to find myself in the middle of rainstorms! While I like the rain, just last night there was this earth shattering thunder and lightning! If God were to just all of a sudden clap His hands...that would be the thunder I heard last night. I lay awake in my bed wondering when the next "clap" would be...I must admit...I was scared. I was shaking a little.

Amazing how stormy weather can be the source of so much comfort and peace, but also fear at the same time. God has been showing me alot about fear in my life, recently. Fear sometimes about my future, my day to day things, relationships, having completely confidence in myself. Last night, as I was in prayer on my floor, I believe God spoke to me and said to fear Him only. His perfect love casts out all fear. The power of His love takes it away. I've been reminded that He is God...I am not, and He knows me better than I know myself. What a comforting fact! God knew in advance, all the things that would make me scared or fearful in someway. In these moments of my fear, I'm keenly aware of my sensitivity to it, but the more I learn of God's presence in my life, the more I realize how present He actually is in all circumstances. Everywhere. In everything.

While the thunder and lightening is never something I will absolutely love...it does say alot about our Creator...his power, his workmanship, his creativity, his complexity. He made us...think about that for a moment.

i am thirsty for Your presence...

Luke Parker is a New Zealand artist. A friend of mine just introduced me to his music. I am amazed at how timely music is in various seasons in our lives. I hope this speaks to you somehow.

a babe...without a bicycle...

A few hours ago I was a babe...without a bicycle. Once again. Just a babe. No bicycle.

What is up?!?! I've gone through 3 bicycles within the past month. This is unreal. I thought I was getting better at this. My first bicycle I had for almost 2 years. That was stolen. Then, I bought another bicycle. It was blue and shiny. I thought I had a good lock. That was stolen. So, I decided to be more strategic and buy a bike with two locks, and one that was a little more low profile...darker colours, one gear, the basics. Then, I came home last night and the lock was literally chewed in half. Right out from underneath me. My bike was missing once again.

I wanted to curl up and cry. Just when I'm finally comfortable in my new neighborhood, getting to know people, and find my way around. This happens. When something is taken from you, again and again, it starts to just eat away at your soul...just a little. I feel like I'm losing my signature optimism. I need to find it again.

These past few weeks have really thrown me for a loop in Beijing. So many things have gone wrong...I got locked out of my apartment; I couldn't seem to do a thing right at work; bike got stolen; struggling with cultural differences again.

One thing all of this is teaching me is I need to be strategic. In every area of my life. Strategic (and understanding) in how I communicate with people; strategic in where I park my bicycle and how I lock it up; and strategic in how I do my work and deal with my students. But, most of all strategic in giving myself a break. Strategic in investing in myself. Everything requires some kind of strategy here.

I went out this morning and bought myself a new bike. I got on the bike and rode. I'm not letting this place get the best of me today.

I just want my dad to tell me everything will be ok...

something that inspired me today...

While I was in Antigonish at St.FX, our advisors in the Adult Ed. program knew how important symbols were in our learning experience. In front of my desk in my apartment, I have the various things we were given: poems, notes, a special pin, our little handmade telescope, and our masks. These symbols help remind me of all the important moments we shared together as a class, around that table for 3 weeks. So many discussions, laughs, tears, challenges, reflections, and new perspectives shared. Before I left Antigonish to come back to Beijing (when in my life did I think I would be saying that...anyways), our advisors gave us each beautiful little notes. The other day I just happened to put it out of the envelope, and for the first time I looked on the back, and there was a poem...and I wanted to share it with you, as it inspired me...

Living Wide Open: Landscapes of the Mind

I will not die and unlived life

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire

I choose to inhabit my days,

to allow my living to open me

to make me less afraid

more accessible

to loosen my heart

until it becomes a wing,

a torch, a promise.

I choose to risk my significance, to live

so that which came to me as a seed

goes to the next as a blossom

and that which came to me as blossom

goes on as fruit.

(Dawna Markova. 2000. I will not die an unlived life: Reclaiming purpose and passion)

rainy day reflections

I really love the days when its rainy, and my only agenda is to read articles for my master's and write and reflect. I'm realizing more and more how this time of my life is really important to me. I live in China, I'm working on my graduate degree, investing in myself and my future. While the nature of my program can be, well, isolating at times, I realize now that I'm actually never alone in this. My cohorts are doing the same thing! I think we are all learning right now that we need to create our own standards, our own set of expectations for ourselves, and also ways to reward ourselves. The victories I experience in my reading and writing are usually when I'm alone in my apartment. I'm learning that it is actually a beautiful process. Inwardly rewarding. Occasionally outwardly rewarding, if I decide to do a little happy dance.

I read an article today about "Learning to Become a Second Language Teacher" - and I felt as if someone was holding up a mirror to my experience here in China. I found myself in this article. It tracked the journey of 2 novices teachers, and the tensions they experienced within themselves and their teaching practice; what moments they grew; what situations caused them to reflect; tensions they experienced between themselves and the institutions they worked for. What really hit home for me, was their relationships with their students - how these relationships were challenged at times, and how they ultimately grew into better educators as a result of their interactions with their learners. As I read the various articles, I've actually started to write down key moments (the good, the bad, and the ugly...lots of the ugly.) in my own teaching over the past few years, on small pieces of paper. I'm still debating whether or not I'm ready to be this honest with myself if I choose to do a self study for my thesis.

Some of these reflections are just ramblings, but I was told to save absolutely everything I work on, so that is what I'm doing. I'm practicing sharing my work with others. So, that means you:

"Students stand up whenever I walk by. I tell them to sit down. They call me teacher. I say to them, "Just call me Jane."

"Because I work with students who are from a different culture than my own, and whose learning strategies are different from my own, why do I always feel the need to change how they learn? I feel like I am somehow responsible for changing them - maybe I'm the one who needs to be changed. I need to let them be my teachers."

"Wounded teaching."

"Hearing a coworker say "They (the students) just weren't listening to me." I don't know why, but this statement made me so angry. Like, I could feel the anger right down to my toes."

"Eating in my student's home, being treated for lunch, being given medication when I was sick...students in Japan became like my family. Why did I all of a sudden deserve this kind of treatment?"

"My first class in Osaka. I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted it to be finished as soon as possible."

"I live abroad. I've thrown myself into this strange place. I've chosen to be here. I've committed to this. I can't go back. No matter how bad things get, I tell myself, "I cannot fail. I cannot fail."

I think I'm just touching the surface of this whole experience, but I'm already beginning to see how much I've been needing to do something like this. Sometimes, I feel like this country can throw a person around. I think of all the things I can experience in just a matter of a single day, and its overwhelming. Sometimes annoying. All the time...eye opening. I wish some days that I could just have an average day of going to work, coming home making dinner, and going to bed. But, the truth of the matter is, my days are never like this. I can barely keep up with my own life sometimes.

I need to do this at this point in my life. Sitting at my desk, by my window, with my adult ed. articles, my journal, CBC radio2, my aromatherapy candles, and my giant pot of tea...I feel at home. Like, somehow I'm being brought closer to myself. One thing my advisor Maureen taught me is to value my experience abroad. Name it. Wrestle with it. Allow myself to question.

Funny, whenever I visit home, I've become so used to downplaying or discounting my experience in China. Like, trying to convince everyone that I'm fine and I've come to terms with my life here. I couldn't be farther from this. How will I ever reconcile myself with this country? Maybe never. But, I remember seeing this quote when I was at St.FX in the Spring, it said, "Sometimes we go halfway around the world to see ourselves." This couldn't be more true. I guess one of the questions I have as I move forward in my research...am I prepared to be this honest with myself?

run and not grow weary...

So, I've been getting back into running again. Its been a while since I've invested myself in this. Before I moved abroad a few years ago, one summer I worked really hard and was running almost 4 times a week. I felt healthy, and I learned that running is more of a spiritual discipline for me. My time with God, my conversation with Him. I forgot how rewarding running is. Sometimes its really challenging as my feet feel like bricks. Other days I get a good song in my ear and I feel as though I could go for miles. I'll be honest with you, body image is something that I've struggled with for a huge part of my life. Running teaches me about myself - my potential, my strengths (and weakness!), and causes me to rely on God as He is the one who knows my body the best and He sees me as beautiful.

Since moving into the neighborhood of the Forbidden City here in Beijing, I look around me and I can't help but want to be outside and see every nook and cranny of this historic place, and I want to run. Run with everything that is in me.

I've been at it for about 6 weeks now, trying to run 3-4 times a week. I feel strong again. Healthy. Happy. And I've really started to notice results. They say you have to do something 21 times to make it a habit...I think I've slowly worked this back into my routine again.

I feel like I'm in a good season in my life right now. Working on my graduate degree, getting back into running, continuing with my life in China, and investing the time in myself that I have seemingly neglected in the past.

I don't write this entry purely to tell people, but to remind myself of how good I feel right now.

"If I am authentic as a teacher, I know of no other way to behave." - K. Frego.

Its 9pm here in Beijing, and I'm sitting in my study nook, with my cup of tea and witnessing a huge downpour outside, along with spectacular lightning display. I even have CBC jazz in the background, conveniently playing the tune "Somewhere over the Rainbow." Gosh, I really love this.

Spent the day reading a few Adult Ed. articles, and I am reminded of how good it feels to sit and work with ideas and reflect on various aspects of teaching. It is food for my soul. I've really been getting into aspects of authenticity in the classroom and how it can influence relationships with students and their learning. What does it mean to be authentic exactly? One particular article resonated with me a great deal, entitled "Cultural Dimensions of Authenticity in Teaching." I've really started to become more aware of the relative aspects of authenticity in a person, depending on what culture you come from. In North America, we value speaking up for ourselves, whereas in Asian countries like China, they seemingly value maintaining balance with in a group and not choosing an extreme.

So, how are we, as adult educators, to approach our practice? What does it mean to be authentic when working with learners coming from a variety of cultural backgrounds different from my own? When are we inauthentic? Is authenticity something we strive for, avoid, or ignore? And why? The more I get into reading and writing, the more questions I feel I have.

I read a quote from an international student studying in America, and she said, "I feel a strong moment of authenticity when I come to appreciate the fact that as an international student, I am creating a new self identity by staying longer in another culture, but in marginalized way. A moment of authenticity is to be truthful to the fact of my marginality: yes, this is the way I live. I come to appreciate that my values and how I view the world are products of this unique marginality..."

In my reflections today, I thought a great deal about the extent to which I have experienced the same thing, a shift in my self identity as a result of living and working in this particular context of China.

Just like the musicians in the jazz music I'm currently listening to, and how they use the key they have been given but put their own twist on the melody...perhaps I am doing the same in my own life. I have the right key, but I'm still working out the melody I want to create.

first day

So, today is the first day I have been able to actually sit down, in a cafe, read a few articles and allow things too slowly settle in. So, this is what this what is going to be like.

I've completely entered a new phase of my life where I can decide when and where I study, and how I want to go about this. Its really exciting and intimidating at the same time.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day and I told her about the three weeks I spent in Antigonish to start my Master's degree in Adult Education. I was reminded again about how incredibly eye opening and refreshing it was. Also being filled with alot of reading and writing! Wow, I sure have my work cut out for me. While the past few weeks I haven't had any time to even touch an material or sort out how I want to go about this self-directed business, sitting down today and working from my interests serves as a reminder for myself about how much I think I'm going to enjoy this process.

To simply study, just for me and no one else. While I do have standards that I need to be aware of, and an advisor that I am accountable to back in Canada...I am doing this for me. I'm excited to see how this whole thing will unfold.

I'm in this cafe in Beijing, hearing Chinese being spoken all around me, and yet, I feel close to the experience I had at St.FX in Antigonish, with all my professors and cohorts. Imagining I'm in conversation with them as I go through this material.

Just at the Toronto airport right now, waiting to catch my connection to Beijing. I always hate this window of time...just waiting and waiting...knowing I will be lifting off Canadian soil. I've grounded myself since I've been home, in every sense of the word. Now, it feels as though those roots are being torn. If I'm going further with this whole tree metaphor, my time being back home has been a time of watering, new fruit being produced, and a new season now approaches...spring.

I like to convince myself I'm brave. And, I think I'm good at convincing others I'm brave as well. While living abroad in China has changed me in every way...I still get what my best friend calls 'leaving tummy.' You would think after almost 5 years that I just go through the motions of coming and going and that it somehow gets easier...

Well, it doesn't. It gets even harder.

But, I know that God is with me, and that the one thing that fuels me today is His Holy Spirit...leading me, guiding me, and comforting me...

I am where I need to be. His heart is my home.

another chapter ends and begins...

(the advisors and staff in the Master's of Adult Education Program)

(my advisor, Dr. Maureen Coady. Looking forward to working with her!)

(my amazing cohorts and the table we sat around for 3 weeks.)

I'm sitting here, surrounded by suitcases, journal articles, encouragement notes from my classmates and advisors, books, and tears are streaming down my face.

The past three weeks have been some of the most memorable days of my entire life. I've shared a classroom with 12 of the most amazing people I have met to date. We've shared stories, struggles, uncertainty, laughter, and exchanged ideas about our dreams for the future. I remember when I was a student in my undergrad, I would walk into the classroom and leave myself at the door. Being now a graduate student in Adult Education, I've realized that I need to bring myself into my own learning. I need to bring myself into the classroom. All my experiences, all my struggles, all my insecurities, my goals, and my dreams. This is all apart of my learning experience.

I looked around the classroom today as we finished up our time together, and I knew I was seeing people completely differently than when I first came here. Funny how that happens. I feel so excited, not only for my future research, but for my cohort's research as well: a dietitian researching power in the workplace using 'photovoice'; a university teacher of accounting, looking at creative ways to teach her students; another classmate researching galleries and how they contribute to adult learning; a university ESL instructor researching the experiences of Saudi Arabian women in Canada...the list goes on. All of us have use unique ideas. I can't wait to hear about how each project will unfold.

I just got off the phone with my mom and I told her about what I'm thinking of focusing on...teacher identity formation in a cross-cultural setting. I could feel myself getting so excited about the possibilities for research in this area that I feel very passionate about. I just realized too, that when I go back to China tomorrow, I not only have the support of my family and friends, but I also have an entirely NEW support network...my cohorts and advisors who are just a phone call or email away! What an amazing feeling this is.

I still have so many questions in my mind - how do I want to shape this whole experience of self-directed learning? Want kind of accountability will I need? What kind of support will I need from my advisor? I guess this is for me to decide. I think this is going to be a process of guessing and testing, finding out what works and doesn't work for me.

One of our final activities in class today required us to write on pieces of paper a wish for ourselves for this program or what we want to tell ourselves. I wrote:

'You are a confident, intelligent, passionate, curious woman. You are exactly where you need to be at this point in your life. You are doing this for you, and you alone.'

I feel completely overcome with emotion and not knowing what to do with myself at this point, having just said 'so long' to an incredible group of people.

It had been so satisfying to be in a room with those who are passionate about the same things as you. I feel listened to and validated by my advisors. I feel ready to look more deeply into my own experience and bring this into my research. I want to not only make myself proud with my future research, but I also want to make my cohorts and advisors proud as well. We are all in this together. What a great community we have built for ourselves.

What a challenge that lies before all of us too. Let's keep the momentum going that we have started, and run the race of our Master's degrees. To all of my cohorts, I look forward to being on this journey with you. Let's help each other and encourage each other in any way we can. I look up to each of you.

I dedicate this post to all those in my support network - friends, family, cohorts, mentors, advisors...I do this because I have you in my life.

powerful beyond measure?

In the midst of article finding, paper writing, learning plan drafts, and mountains of reading...it just dawned on me that my master's course will be finishing in just 4 days, and I will be returning to China on Friday. I don't think it really hit me until tonight. I've been so focused on finishing up my course work, attending class and having meetings with my advisors, that I sort of put it on the back shelf. How did it get to the point I put China on the back shelf? Old hat, I guess. And yet, there is just so much going on right now.

A section of my learning plan for this course involves drafting a learning contract for myself, but I really have no idea how I'm going to balance this all when I get back to China. I'll be in a new position at work - planning student social events and I'll be in the beginning phases of my master's degree. The past two weeks have been spent setting a momentum for myself. I've gotten into a routine of going to class in the mornings, and researching and reading in the afternoons. So straightforward. So simple. And yet, the challenge of this program lies in the self-directed approach. Working and studying on our own. Sometimes I think to myself, why am I going to put myself through this - living in a foreign country, working, studying my master's degree...it all seems like a mountain of challenges tied into one! What am I thinking!?!?!!!

But, if I look at my life in retrospect, I realize that I've taken some risks that have challenged me and caused me to re-define the way I see things. Maybe this is another risk. Most risks, or leaps of faith in some cases, always involve some element of sacrifice. That is always the hard part. Rewarding in the end, but hard. For me, some risks I've taken are packing up and moving abroad; not getting to see my close friends and family as often as I'd like; learning to be vulnerable; trusting a stranger; completely changing the color of my hair; making music; trusting God; being completely honest with someone; being completely honest with myself; traveling to Tibet on my own; starting my master's degree...

I look at that list and I think that I'm ready to begin another new phase in my life. Stress, "I think." Its going to be an exercise in patience (with myself), adjustment and prioritizing, but I think it is just a risk in my life that I need to take in order to grow and learn. I think I need to allow this whole process to mold and shape me. Doing this master's is completely according to my agenda, my schedule, and my interests. There is so much freedom in that, while also a great deal of responsibility - which intimidates me a little. I still have so much to learn about the field of Adult Education...where can I even begin?

In one of our classes this week, on of my cohorts shared this meaningful quote that resonates with me in this season of my life,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

While I'm sad that I will soon be saying goodbye to an amazing group of people I've just gotten to know in the past 2 weeks, I know that each of us are going to accomplish something great in our own fields, and take risks when we need to, and shine in corners where light is needed. Maybe a certain element of healthy risk is good in everyones lives...its just making that first step...

Ok, Here goes...

"you are the morning, and you're about to break..."

(my fellow cohorts and instructors in the Master's of Adult Education program at St.FX. We are all very serious people, of course.)

So, how can I possibly put this past week into words...I'm going to attempt now.

I've begun this whole journey of starting my graduate degree in Adult Education. So many people ask me, "So, what is that exactly?" I'd like to think that I knew exactly what I was talking about before this course began, saying, "Oh, well, its all about how to teach adults..." Now, I realize, 5 days in, that is more a process of "unraveling" as one of my cohorts put it today, after we were asked by our advisor to compare this week to a kitchen utensil. A kitchen utensil, yes. I compared my week to chopsticks...they are a kind of tool, that you can for so many other things other than just eating. We all have the capacity to learn how to use them, but it takes practice and purpose.

This program is about unraveling, as I mentioned. Unraveling all previously held assumptions about how we should learn. Unraveling ideas about what it means to be "an educator." Unraveling our pride, and re-learning what makes adult learners unique and under what contexts they seek information. I had no idea how vast, and how transformative this approach to education is. There is so much I don't know.

For the past 5 days, I've sat around a table with 12 other educators from various fields...nutrition, paramedical, accounting, English as a second language and I.T. Now, we are the students. I think we all came into this program with preconceived notions of what we were going to study, and had a seemingly clear idea of our research interests. But, after the first day of seminars, one of my cohorts said, "I just realized I know absolutely nothing." This is where our learning as a class began to take place, and we started to trust each other more, because we all admitted how little we knew.

Our advisors, Kathleen and Carole, are two amazing women with so many insights into this field and they have such rich experience in various contexts. I forgot how wonderful it is to be in the presence of such academics. Our lessons seem to be somehow hand-crafted just for us, instead of them speaking at us, they give us tasks, we generate the material and they act as a resource. The first day, for example, we needed to draw a poster of what brought us to this program at St.FX and then present it to the class. It really got me thinking about my journey up until this point. I actually thought about what I wrote for my letter of intent:

I have always loved learning: learning about the world, its people, and what motivates us to seek information. As a child, my parents encouraged my sister and I to be curious about the world around us, a curiosity that was fostered by extensive travel and a home with frequent visitors. It was this curiosity for learning that led me to study Psychology at The Kings University College in Edmonton. Attending a smaller institution, I was closely mentored by my professors, who nurtured not only a deeper knowledge and understanding of psychological concepts and principles, but more importantly the development of critical thinking skills. At the time I saw myself completing undergraduate studies, attending graduate school within a year or two and developing a career in counseling. When the critical time came to make a decision about graduate studies, I had developed a growing desire to travel and experience more of the world before committing to further formal study. In August 2006, I made the decision to move to Japan and spend a year of teaching English. Little did I know that this decision would completely change my career goals and the direction of my life.

When I moved to Osaka, Japan, not only was I attempting to experience and thrive in a different culture, but I was also learning how to effectively teach adults who possessed an incredible variety of experiences, backgrounds, and cultural mindsets much different from my own...

I explained to my class, that when I teach my students in China, I feel as though my role is that of a coach, cheering them on along the side lines. This is where my passion for Adult Education comes in.

All of the cohorts in my class shared stories about their experiences with education - some painful, others exciting, and all of them moving.

One day in particular, we were told to go away for two hours in our groups of three, and research the major adult education movements in Canada that shaped our history, then present our findings to the class. Various groups spoke about soldier training during the war, literacy education, citizenship education, extension programs in universities, health education etc. During our de-briefing time, I said to the group, "This was the very first time in my life when I actually enjoyed and had fun learning about my own country's history." Would that be an "Ah-ha" moment, Oprah?

We've also spend time this week, looking at literature in our particular area of interest. As this program is completely self directed, working from our own interests is the key element to our success. When do students really have a genuine opportunity to start here with their education? I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. This weekend, I'm preparing a presentation on an article I've read, entitled "Perspectives on Authenticity in Teaching," an article written by a professor here at St.FX. I can already pick out themes that resonate with me.

One particular memorable moment was studying The Antigonish Movement and Dr.M. Coady. This literally took place right outside of St.FX. If you have a chance, look it up. I had no idea this event ever happend - up until a few days ago. This place is at the very heart of Adult Education in Canada. What a privilege to participate in such a rich education tradition! My research partner and I went out to interview a woman in the community who lives in a housing co-op, and spoke about her experience in this project and if the spirit of the Antigonish movement is still alive today. It most certainly is. You really need to read about this movement on your own, and I say this in the spirit of Adult Education. If you do, tell me what you think!

This program is already like none I've ever known. All of us have already admitted to each other that we feel there is so much to learn, and that we feel inadequate like everyone else is so much more knowledgeable that us. Our advisor reminded us that this is all apart of the adult education process, there is freedom and space to be honest and support each other. These are the conversations I have been waiting to have for a long time. Even though our group has only been together 5 days, I feel like we have learned so much from each other - giving each other possible ideas for research topics and helping one another articulate questions we have about this field.

We just have 2 weeks left together and I feel as though they are just going to fly by. This program been waiting for me. Like it is somehow saying, "Where have you been all this time?" I know that this is going to be the next big challenge in my life, and I sometimes wonder how I'm going balance all of this while living and working in China...but, what better place to be than immersed in the subject your are studying. The more I learn, the more empowered I feel to continue living in China after our foundations course is finished. The challenge will be setting my own pace, my own goals, and deciding how long I want this to take me.

The sky is the limit, and I have a very big mountain to climb...but the sun is shining and I can feel it's warmth. I love this program.

(I'm dedicating this post to little Sariah Jane...so glad we share a name.)

east coast reflections

My travels in Canada have now brought me to the very east coast - Nova Scotia! It's my first time to visit these parts and I can already say that I have fallen in love with this place. While the air is cold, and its been cloudy my first day here...the hospitality of locals is warm and the landscapes are decorated with colorful homes and rocky shores.

My friend Jolene and I went to Peggy's cove, just outside Halifax, and found myself in a seemingly different world. Peggy's cove has the lighthouse that you often see in token postcard images of Nova Scotia. This is the furthest east I have ever been in Canada. Its really exciting and refreshing to seen entirely different side of where you are from. Life is slower here, people are approachable and lovely. I've always had a sort of affinity to the ocean, and the east coast has certainly drawn me in.

We drove around downtown Halifax and Jolene told me story upon story of this historic coastal city. It feels almost European in a way - small streets, colorful old homes and dimly lit pubs on every corner. Everything is within walking distance. Spending time around the city today, made me feel like I had the whole place to myself. Small boutiques, flower shops, book stores, Halifax is just waiting to be explored. It's charm is displayed on every corner.

Even more charming are the ducks outside my window. I am loving the east coast.

in between time zones

I'm home, and oh...so...jet lagged.

Its such a confusing and ambiguous thing, this jet lag. To feel in between two worlds at once. I'm trying to adjust to one world, while still feeling very much invested in the other. My body is here, but my mind is...elsewhere.

I love aspects of both these places. In China, having friends from various corners of the world allows me to see things from so many different perspectives. I have first hand access to another culture, engaging in conversations I would never have back home, enjoying the unpredictability of each day, and having travel at my doorstep. In Canada, I have my family, the comfortability of home, heart to hearts with my dad, the presence of close friends, roots, the sense of being grounded and known. I value both places.

Of course, there are aspects of these places as well that I really struggle with. In China, there is the daily challenge of making myself understood while coming to terms with a culture that I will never fully understand, not to mention not seeing my family for a year at a time . When I'm home in Canada, I sometimes find I'm a stranger looking from the outside in, on the familiarity that I once completely identified with.

I guess being jet lagged does have it's perks. It makes me realize that in this experience of living in one country while having my roots in another...I can't take anything for granted any more. I have to remember that with every experience in life, I need to live it with eyes wide open, to treat every circumstance as one that I can learn from.

Ok, so jet leg isn't so bad after all.

looming memories in empty walls

Is it possible that a place can heal a person? Well, that's how I feel about my apartment in Beijing. Its the first place that I have lived on my own, and while the initial idea scared the life out of me...it actually ended up bringing life to me. Living on my own has allowed me to truly be my self in a place of my own. As I'm about to move out of this place in a few days, and I see these now empty walls, I feel like the place is dripping with memories and conversations had.

For the first time in my life, I had the chance to know what it feels like to have a space completely to my own. I hope I can find more places like this in the future. Not just my future apartment, but in other spaces or areas of my life. There is power in places where we can truly be ourselves.

Just something I was thinking about tonight.

the sky is the limit...

(the rooftop of the world: tibet 2010)

I feel like life just keeps twisting and turning, and the more I try to control things, the more I realize the less control I actually have. I know that God is directing the course of my life, and I feel His hand leading me and letting me know, “I am here. Don’t fear my daughter.”

2010 was a year of change, seeds being sown, and new experiences had. I feel like I was able to accomplish alot of personal goals this past year: getting accepted to graduate school, having some of my photos hosted at a small gallery, travelling around more of this country - specifically to Tibet, writing more music, and taking leaps of faith that brought me closer in my relationship with God. I am so thankful for the things He has done in my life.

I think turning twenty-eight brought with it some new perspectives as well – I make mistakes, and its ok. I’m not perfect – and its ok. I’m a traveler, an adventurer, a worshiper, a musician…and I love my life. For the first time, I feel like I’m able to truly feel confident in myself and embrace all that life has to teach me. I’ve stopped comparing myself to others to finally be leading my own life, on my very own terms.

Over the past few weeks, in various situations, I’ve kept hearing the phrase, “sometimes you have to cut down the tree in order to see fruit.” And, I feel like moving abroad has definitely produced fruit in my life. I could have never anticipated the places I’ve been too, the people I have met, the situations I’ve found myself in. All of it…has changed me.

2010 also brought with it some surprises. This past year I was originally planning to move back to Canada to work on my graduate degree in Adult Education full time. After one conversation with my advisor, she told me that I actually don’t need to be living close to campus. That was a shocker! Because the program is self-directed, there are no classes – I write my thesis and do my course work on my own, and I determine how long its going to take me. The more I learn about this program, the more I realize how perfect it is for me. For this reason, I’ve decided to keep living in China. I get butterflies whenever I think about this. It was a huge decision to make. I’m learning, though, its amazing how when we trust God, He makes our path straight. Or maybe we realize that our path was straight all along and we never had to worry.

The company I work for is being totally supportive of my further study as well. When I come back to Beijing in April, I can continue working 3 days a week organizing city wide life club events for students, and then work on my thesis on my days off. This opens up a lot of opportunities for research projects and thesis options for me! I think its going to be a huge learning curve in the beginning to figure out how I’m going to pace myself and shape this new phase of my life, but I’m treating all of this kind of like an experiment – one that I am uber excited about!

I know now that God has truly been taking care of me all along. How could I ever doubt or worry before? While I had my own plans, my own agenda, He just swept me up and said, “Look at your life. Look at what I want to show you. My ways are higher.” While I know there are going to be a lot of changes and adjustments this year, I feel so much peace about it.

A few weeks ago, a guy Kamal at church prayed over me, and he told me this is going to be a year of harvest in my life. If my plans for graduate school aren’t already crazy enough, I’m also thinking of recording more music as well. I know that I can’t do any of this on my own, but I can do anything through Him who strengthens me.

I hope this is an encouragement to anyone who reads it, and that you are reminded that God has a plan for each of us.

i think you've seen aslan...

Just saw "Voyage of the Dawn Treader" tonight. This particular scene was stirring.

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Eustace being undragoned

“Well, anyway, I looked up and saw the very last thing I expected: a huge lion coming slowly towards me. And one queer thing was that there was no moon last night, but there was moonlight where the lion was. So it came nearer and nearer. I was terribly afraid of it. You may think that, being a dragon, I could have knocked any lion out easily enough. But it wasn't that kind of fear. I wasn't afraid of it eating me, I was just afraid of it - if you can understand. Well, it came close up to me and looked straight into my eyes. And I shut my eyes tight. But that wasn't any good because it told me to follow it.”
“You mean it spoke?”
“I don't know. Now that you mention it, I don't think it did. But it told me all the same. And I knew I'd have to do what it told me, so I got up and followed it. And it led me a long way into the mountains. And there was always this moonlight over and round the lion wherever we went. So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden - trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it there was a well.
“I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells - like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not.
“I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snaky sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that's what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and my scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe.
“But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.
“Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, how ever many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.
“Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke – ‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know - if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phoney if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them.
“After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me –“
“Dressed you. With his paws?”
“Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes - the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. Which is what makes me think it must have been a dream.”
“No. It wasn't a dream,” said Edmund.
“Why not?”
“Well, there are the clothes, for one thing. And you have been - well, un-dragoned, for another.”
“What do you think it was, then?” asked Eustace.
“I think you've seen Aslan,” said Edmund.
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – Chapter 7