Just at the Toronto airport right now, waiting to catch my connection to Beijing. I always hate this window of time...just waiting and waiting...knowing I will be lifting off Canadian soil. I've grounded myself since I've been home, in every sense of the word. Now, it feels as though those roots are being torn. If I'm going further with this whole tree metaphor, my time being back home has been a time of watering, new fruit being produced, and a new season now approaches...spring.

I like to convince myself I'm brave. And, I think I'm good at convincing others I'm brave as well. While living abroad in China has changed me in every way...I still get what my best friend calls 'leaving tummy.' You would think after almost 5 years that I just go through the motions of coming and going and that it somehow gets easier...

Well, it doesn't. It gets even harder.

But, I know that God is with me, and that the one thing that fuels me today is His Holy Spirit...leading me, guiding me, and comforting me...

I am where I need to be. His heart is my home.

another chapter ends and begins...

(the advisors and staff in the Master's of Adult Education Program)

(my advisor, Dr. Maureen Coady. Looking forward to working with her!)

(my amazing cohorts and the table we sat around for 3 weeks.)

I'm sitting here, surrounded by suitcases, journal articles, encouragement notes from my classmates and advisors, books, and tears are streaming down my face.

The past three weeks have been some of the most memorable days of my entire life. I've shared a classroom with 12 of the most amazing people I have met to date. We've shared stories, struggles, uncertainty, laughter, and exchanged ideas about our dreams for the future. I remember when I was a student in my undergrad, I would walk into the classroom and leave myself at the door. Being now a graduate student in Adult Education, I've realized that I need to bring myself into my own learning. I need to bring myself into the classroom. All my experiences, all my struggles, all my insecurities, my goals, and my dreams. This is all apart of my learning experience.

I looked around the classroom today as we finished up our time together, and I knew I was seeing people completely differently than when I first came here. Funny how that happens. I feel so excited, not only for my future research, but for my cohort's research as well: a dietitian researching power in the workplace using 'photovoice'; a university teacher of accounting, looking at creative ways to teach her students; another classmate researching galleries and how they contribute to adult learning; a university ESL instructor researching the experiences of Saudi Arabian women in Canada...the list goes on. All of us have use unique ideas. I can't wait to hear about how each project will unfold.

I just got off the phone with my mom and I told her about what I'm thinking of focusing on...teacher identity formation in a cross-cultural setting. I could feel myself getting so excited about the possibilities for research in this area that I feel very passionate about. I just realized too, that when I go back to China tomorrow, I not only have the support of my family and friends, but I also have an entirely NEW support network...my cohorts and advisors who are just a phone call or email away! What an amazing feeling this is.

I still have so many questions in my mind - how do I want to shape this whole experience of self-directed learning? Want kind of accountability will I need? What kind of support will I need from my advisor? I guess this is for me to decide. I think this is going to be a process of guessing and testing, finding out what works and doesn't work for me.

One of our final activities in class today required us to write on pieces of paper a wish for ourselves for this program or what we want to tell ourselves. I wrote:

'You are a confident, intelligent, passionate, curious woman. You are exactly where you need to be at this point in your life. You are doing this for you, and you alone.'

I feel completely overcome with emotion and not knowing what to do with myself at this point, having just said 'so long' to an incredible group of people.

It had been so satisfying to be in a room with those who are passionate about the same things as you. I feel listened to and validated by my advisors. I feel ready to look more deeply into my own experience and bring this into my research. I want to not only make myself proud with my future research, but I also want to make my cohorts and advisors proud as well. We are all in this together. What a great community we have built for ourselves.

What a challenge that lies before all of us too. Let's keep the momentum going that we have started, and run the race of our Master's degrees. To all of my cohorts, I look forward to being on this journey with you. Let's help each other and encourage each other in any way we can. I look up to each of you.

I dedicate this post to all those in my support network - friends, family, cohorts, mentors, advisors...I do this because I have you in my life.

powerful beyond measure?

In the midst of article finding, paper writing, learning plan drafts, and mountains of reading...it just dawned on me that my master's course will be finishing in just 4 days, and I will be returning to China on Friday. I don't think it really hit me until tonight. I've been so focused on finishing up my course work, attending class and having meetings with my advisors, that I sort of put it on the back shelf. How did it get to the point I put China on the back shelf? Old hat, I guess. And yet, there is just so much going on right now.

A section of my learning plan for this course involves drafting a learning contract for myself, but I really have no idea how I'm going to balance this all when I get back to China. I'll be in a new position at work - planning student social events and I'll be in the beginning phases of my master's degree. The past two weeks have been spent setting a momentum for myself. I've gotten into a routine of going to class in the mornings, and researching and reading in the afternoons. So straightforward. So simple. And yet, the challenge of this program lies in the self-directed approach. Working and studying on our own. Sometimes I think to myself, why am I going to put myself through this - living in a foreign country, working, studying my master's degree...it all seems like a mountain of challenges tied into one! What am I thinking!?!?!!!

But, if I look at my life in retrospect, I realize that I've taken some risks that have challenged me and caused me to re-define the way I see things. Maybe this is another risk. Most risks, or leaps of faith in some cases, always involve some element of sacrifice. That is always the hard part. Rewarding in the end, but hard. For me, some risks I've taken are packing up and moving abroad; not getting to see my close friends and family as often as I'd like; learning to be vulnerable; trusting a stranger; completely changing the color of my hair; making music; trusting God; being completely honest with someone; being completely honest with myself; traveling to Tibet on my own; starting my master's degree...

I look at that list and I think that I'm ready to begin another new phase in my life. Stress, "I think." Its going to be an exercise in patience (with myself), adjustment and prioritizing, but I think it is just a risk in my life that I need to take in order to grow and learn. I think I need to allow this whole process to mold and shape me. Doing this master's is completely according to my agenda, my schedule, and my interests. There is so much freedom in that, while also a great deal of responsibility - which intimidates me a little. I still have so much to learn about the field of Adult Education...where can I even begin?

In one of our classes this week, on of my cohorts shared this meaningful quote that resonates with me in this season of my life,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

While I'm sad that I will soon be saying goodbye to an amazing group of people I've just gotten to know in the past 2 weeks, I know that each of us are going to accomplish something great in our own fields, and take risks when we need to, and shine in corners where light is needed. Maybe a certain element of healthy risk is good in everyones lives...its just making that first step...

Ok, Here goes...

"you are the morning, and you're about to break..."

(my fellow cohorts and instructors in the Master's of Adult Education program at St.FX. We are all very serious people, of course.)

So, how can I possibly put this past week into words...I'm going to attempt now.

I've begun this whole journey of starting my graduate degree in Adult Education. So many people ask me, "So, what is that exactly?" I'd like to think that I knew exactly what I was talking about before this course began, saying, "Oh, well, its all about how to teach adults..." Now, I realize, 5 days in, that is more a process of "unraveling" as one of my cohorts put it today, after we were asked by our advisor to compare this week to a kitchen utensil. A kitchen utensil, yes. I compared my week to chopsticks...they are a kind of tool, that you can for so many other things other than just eating. We all have the capacity to learn how to use them, but it takes practice and purpose.

This program is about unraveling, as I mentioned. Unraveling all previously held assumptions about how we should learn. Unraveling ideas about what it means to be "an educator." Unraveling our pride, and re-learning what makes adult learners unique and under what contexts they seek information. I had no idea how vast, and how transformative this approach to education is. There is so much I don't know.

For the past 5 days, I've sat around a table with 12 other educators from various fields...nutrition, paramedical, accounting, English as a second language and I.T. Now, we are the students. I think we all came into this program with preconceived notions of what we were going to study, and had a seemingly clear idea of our research interests. But, after the first day of seminars, one of my cohorts said, "I just realized I know absolutely nothing." This is where our learning as a class began to take place, and we started to trust each other more, because we all admitted how little we knew.

Our advisors, Kathleen and Carole, are two amazing women with so many insights into this field and they have such rich experience in various contexts. I forgot how wonderful it is to be in the presence of such academics. Our lessons seem to be somehow hand-crafted just for us, instead of them speaking at us, they give us tasks, we generate the material and they act as a resource. The first day, for example, we needed to draw a poster of what brought us to this program at St.FX and then present it to the class. It really got me thinking about my journey up until this point. I actually thought about what I wrote for my letter of intent:

I have always loved learning: learning about the world, its people, and what motivates us to seek information. As a child, my parents encouraged my sister and I to be curious about the world around us, a curiosity that was fostered by extensive travel and a home with frequent visitors. It was this curiosity for learning that led me to study Psychology at The Kings University College in Edmonton. Attending a smaller institution, I was closely mentored by my professors, who nurtured not only a deeper knowledge and understanding of psychological concepts and principles, but more importantly the development of critical thinking skills. At the time I saw myself completing undergraduate studies, attending graduate school within a year or two and developing a career in counseling. When the critical time came to make a decision about graduate studies, I had developed a growing desire to travel and experience more of the world before committing to further formal study. In August 2006, I made the decision to move to Japan and spend a year of teaching English. Little did I know that this decision would completely change my career goals and the direction of my life.

When I moved to Osaka, Japan, not only was I attempting to experience and thrive in a different culture, but I was also learning how to effectively teach adults who possessed an incredible variety of experiences, backgrounds, and cultural mindsets much different from my own...

I explained to my class, that when I teach my students in China, I feel as though my role is that of a coach, cheering them on along the side lines. This is where my passion for Adult Education comes in.

All of the cohorts in my class shared stories about their experiences with education - some painful, others exciting, and all of them moving.

One day in particular, we were told to go away for two hours in our groups of three, and research the major adult education movements in Canada that shaped our history, then present our findings to the class. Various groups spoke about soldier training during the war, literacy education, citizenship education, extension programs in universities, health education etc. During our de-briefing time, I said to the group, "This was the very first time in my life when I actually enjoyed and had fun learning about my own country's history." Would that be an "Ah-ha" moment, Oprah?

We've also spend time this week, looking at literature in our particular area of interest. As this program is completely self directed, working from our own interests is the key element to our success. When do students really have a genuine opportunity to start here with their education? I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. This weekend, I'm preparing a presentation on an article I've read, entitled "Perspectives on Authenticity in Teaching," an article written by a professor here at St.FX. I can already pick out themes that resonate with me.

One particular memorable moment was studying The Antigonish Movement and Dr.M. Coady. This literally took place right outside of St.FX. If you have a chance, look it up. I had no idea this event ever happend - up until a few days ago. This place is at the very heart of Adult Education in Canada. What a privilege to participate in such a rich education tradition! My research partner and I went out to interview a woman in the community who lives in a housing co-op, and spoke about her experience in this project and if the spirit of the Antigonish movement is still alive today. It most certainly is. You really need to read about this movement on your own, and I say this in the spirit of Adult Education. If you do, tell me what you think!

This program is already like none I've ever known. All of us have already admitted to each other that we feel there is so much to learn, and that we feel inadequate like everyone else is so much more knowledgeable that us. Our advisor reminded us that this is all apart of the adult education process, there is freedom and space to be honest and support each other. These are the conversations I have been waiting to have for a long time. Even though our group has only been together 5 days, I feel like we have learned so much from each other - giving each other possible ideas for research topics and helping one another articulate questions we have about this field.

We just have 2 weeks left together and I feel as though they are just going to fly by. This program been waiting for me. Like it is somehow saying, "Where have you been all this time?" I know that this is going to be the next big challenge in my life, and I sometimes wonder how I'm going balance all of this while living and working in China...but, what better place to be than immersed in the subject your are studying. The more I learn, the more empowered I feel to continue living in China after our foundations course is finished. The challenge will be setting my own pace, my own goals, and deciding how long I want this to take me.

The sky is the limit, and I have a very big mountain to climb...but the sun is shining and I can feel it's warmth. I love this program.

(I'm dedicating this post to little Sariah Jane...so glad we share a name.)