coming up for air.

Over the last number of months, I have had a love/hate relationship with China.

There are some days where everything goes right - the bus going to your work is on time, the weather is good and you can walk without a pool of sweat below you. You don't seem to notice the men who stare at you, your coffee is actually what you ordered, your lunch has recognizable meats in it, the stars seem to align and everything is like clockwork. I love those days.

Then, you have whats called "A China day" - when nothing seems to go right. You seemingly can't get anywhere on time, it takes you 3 hrs to get a small chore done, the man on the bus cannot take his eyes off you, your lunch has nothing that looks like a recognizable meat or vegetable, your students decide not to talk that day, and when you get back to your apartment at night the elevator again decides not to work for you.

Its really hard to predict this country. I realize that I'm a foreigner living here and the language is daunting, but sometimes its as if China has no rhyme or reason to it. And somehow in the midst of all the confusion and seeming disorder, patterns emerge. You begin to understand what the people are about, why things can be confusing and what you can do to make yourself feel better or cope.

Sometimes as a foreigner, its so easy to feel that a country is swallowing you, and you are desperately trying to come up for air. When you finally learn how to breathe, things actually start to become entertaining, in a sense. Its like you can step back, and look at all of it like a movie in a way. A movie that you are participating in. I've finally gotten to the point now in my time here, that I can breathe and I look at each day as an adventure and I try to consider how I can learn something from most moments here. I think of my experiences here, and how I love to write about them, and that in itself helps me to breathe.

Recently, I've been looking for the space between. Maybe I don't want to say that I love China or I hate China, but I want to say, "China is teaching me." I'm learning from this country. It gets me to think about the taken for granted values in my life. The values that I never used to think about, have come under intimate observation here. I have more time to think about my family, my friends, my work environment and my beliefs.

I'm still breathing, and trying to take in this whole experience, but I'm also remembering to take one day at a time.